Faces of Spring

Boughs heavy laden with evening’s snow

Now rise as droplets melt like rain

Plays tricks on my ears

That a cloudburst has claimed the day

But my eyes in slumber rest

As I lounge upon my deck

And the veil where the eyes do hide

Do not keep my sight from me

Alas! It is as summer

In the brightest light of day

It melts my aching bones

Giving way to sweet repose

"I Will Be Your Father"

As we entered the home, my mother gave me some crayons and a piece of notebook paper and sent me to an adjacent room to busy myself with coloring. A number of men and women were all surrounding the kitchen area and soon my mother had gathered the women around her, when I heard their disturbing chatter. As a traveling salesman my Dad had not been home much, but this time, it seemed from the conversation that my Dad was not coming home to us anymore. I was five years old at the time and the youngest of five children. What did this mean?   
As I continued coloring, fear had taken hold me and my little head was trying to understand what I just heard. I felt a sudden loss for which I had no understanding. While alone my confusion, before I thought to run to my mommy for reassurance and comfort,  I quickly felt a strong presence enter the room beside me.  I looked around, but no one was there. Then suddenly I sensed a warm embrace holding me, which immediately melted my fears  away, and replaced it with an unfamiliar peace settling into my heart. 

I was so moved by this, that I decided to make something special out of my coloring project. Folding my paper into a fan, I colored it with flowers, and put my name on the front in cursive and put a secret message in one of the folds.  I wrote “I Love God.” This cherished memento was my response to His presence,  and is a keepsake that I still possess. 
How true the verse is in 1 John 4:19 KJV which says, "We love Him,Because He first loved us."

My parents divorced soon after that and I vividly remember the day my mom went to court. I watched as she was putting on a green dress suit and leaned toward the mirror to put on a pretty pair of earrings. As I lay on her bed, looking up at the seagull mobile she put above the bed so I could go to sleep at night, I asked her, "is Daddy ever coming home again?" “No” she said. As I lay there quietly, questions filled my mind that needed answers. Was mommy not pretty enough for him? What could have driven daddy away? I concluded that it must be my fault. One too many kids for him to handle. 
The sense of security, value and direction a father’s love brings was replaced with the gnawing sense of being rejected and abandoned. It became a belief that we children were not worthwhile enough for him to want to stick around. 

We were all deeply affected, but I felt the pain more acutely for my three brothers who had to borrow an uncle or someone else’s dad for father/son events or experience the emptiness of a victory not shared, cheered on or praised . We were more acutely aware of our loss and it became a clear statement to the world of how worthless we felt by his absence. For me, what shaped my life the most was never seeing my mother loved by anyone. I never saw her hugged or kissed. No affection outside of her children. I felt so unloveable, and sure that I would have to be flawless if I were to find someone to love me.

A five year old girl can hardly put to words the kind of peace that dispelled my fears the day I learned my dad was leaving us. But now that I am older, I can describe what I heard from experiencing the  presence of the Lord that entered the room to calm my fears.

God was declaring to me, “I will be your Father.” 

 This first encounter with the Lord would be the beginning of my new Fathers care over me. It would take years before I would really know the One who had embraced me, but He placed a hunger in my heart that would eventually lead me back to Him. 

Throughout every challenge I have faced and rebellious road I have taken, I often heard His voice speaking to me, "this is not what you want. This is not what I want for you." 

I am filled with gratitude to my Father for His guidance and discipline, His pity and compassion. His love has healed the little girl and has made this woman His own.

  And when I see the admiration and praise of earthly fathers toward their children, I can see Him there, in my minds eye, taking delight in me. 

How far?

I volunteer at a local prison and I have had the miraculous opportunity to visit a young 21 year old who is doing LIFE in max. security for murder. There were many things that led up to this visit, and it took 10 months for everything to come together...The lesson I was to learn came with one statement the Lord etched on my heart as I struggled with my own heart as to why I was supposed to bring the message of the Gospel to this young man. And it is this; "You will not know the depth of My love until you understand what I am willing to forgive.." Selah...

Mind Full

Be Positive “It shall be done for you as you have believed”…. Matthew 8:13 Choose Right Thinking “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, Bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:4, 5 NKJV Change Your Mind “For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he…Proverbs 23:7 Think on these things “For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your mind on them).” Philippians 4:8 Renew Your Mind “Do not conform and longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 NKJV Focus on the Lord “You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind (both its inclination and its character) is stayed on You”…. Isaiah 26:3 Walk in the Power of the Spirit “For those who are according to the flesh and are controlled by its unholy desires set their minds on and pursue those things which gratify the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit and are controlled by the desires of the Spirit set their minds on and seek those things which gratify the Holy Spirit.” Romans 8:5

Vanquished dread

C.S. Lewis writes: "Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him."

 In my recent experiences with the death and illnesses of friends and family, I experienced my own brush with death and open heart surgery in Feb. of ’09.

 I didn't know where to “put” God, if putting Him in the middle of it meant He was putting His signature on the suffering that had come into my life.

I underwent nine hours of surgery, while heart and lung machines were keeping me alive. Closely monitored for nine days more, I lay in ICU, feeling put back together like a Raggedy Ann doll. I had so many painful places where tubes were running through my body. And by my bedside, noisy monitors were detecting signs of life.

I can't "talk to Him", I muttered to myself. Where dread had filled my soul, no prayer could be uttered. My husband came in and set my IPod up in the room.  My favorite songs and hymns filled the air. Then the voice of Him who loves me most, broke through my fearful heart, as if He were singing to me, sitting with me there in the dark recesses of my soul, where dread disabled.

He gave me songs of faith to utter, when I had no strength or will do it. And my heart has its reasons to live, and the faith that seemed buried, declared itself to me.....Yes, I hope in God.....He is mine and I am His!  I Will Rise.

Head in the sand?

deep down we know what it takes.... I've been pulling my head out of the sand recently...facing my own resistance and shallow excuses for the things I've been unwilling to change...after heart surgery...things seems so much clearer....and His gift of life less easy to squander...

He lifts the Veil

What we do defines who we are more than convincing and passionate words that betray and contradict. A subtle veil of justifications we'll lay over our faces when we don't really believe that God can love us out of our ugliness.