Vanquished dread

C.S. Lewis writes: "Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him."

 In my recent experiences with the death and illnesses of friends and family, I experienced my own brush with death and open heart surgery in Feb. of ’09.

 I didn't know where to “put” God, if putting Him in the middle of it meant He was putting His signature on the suffering that had come into my life.

I underwent nine hours of surgery, while heart and lung machines were keeping me alive. Closely monitored for nine days more, I lay in ICU, feeling put back together like a Raggedy Ann doll. I had so many painful places where tubes were running through my body. And by my bedside, noisy monitors were detecting signs of life.

I can't "talk to Him", I muttered to myself. Where dread had filled my soul, no prayer could be uttered. My husband came in and set my IPod up in the room.  My favorite songs and hymns filled the air. Then the voice of Him who loves me most, broke through my fearful heart, as if He were singing to me, sitting with me there in the dark recesses of my soul, where dread disabled.

He gave me songs of faith to utter, when I had no strength or will do it. And my heart has its reasons to live, and the faith that seemed buried, declared itself to me.....Yes, I hope in God.....He is mine and I am His!  I Will Rise.